who?
by jezz rivett
Summary: Sirius has found out who he realy is, but should he come out to his best friends? SiriusRemus
1. who am i?

Sirius slammed yet another book shut and added it to the mounting pile at the corner of the oval table in the soft candle lit library. The library was disserted; all the other pupils were outside playing in the white fluffy snow that was falling heavily making a soft white blanket around the castle.

Sirius did not know why he was revising; it was months until his OWLs and the teachers had not said anything about starting to revise. However, even though he had through about twenty books in the last three hours he had not learnt a thing.

He was thinking about the love of his life as he opened yet another book. Rather larger this time, he was not sure why he loved this person, he had started questioning who he really was since his annoying brother, saint Regulus (as his parents called him) had written to them telling them Sirius was gay in Sirius' third year after getting rather drunk and kissed a sixth year.

He breathed heavily 'Fuck it' he thought 'I'm not the Sirius Black that entered this school; I'm not the Sirius that everyone knows and loves'. The question that was really nagging on his mind was 'who am I?'

Sirius knew how he felt and did not want to tell his friends not even his best friend who he had confided in when he trusted no other, James Potter. Also he did not really know whether to tell the friend that was more than a friend to him.

Ever since his parents had sent a howler telling him yet again that he was a disgrace to the family name. He had questioned whether he was straight; he ran a hand through his black perfectly kempt silky soft hair. He tried to read the page he was reading.

"Sirius, why are you in here? Reading is my pastime"

"Very funny", if you really want to know I am revising" Sirius looked at the mousy-haired boy that stood stupidly with a rather large grin on his face and immediately wished he had not as he felt his cheeks glow red "We were wondering why there were no girls hanging about with us?"

"Remus, is that all I am?"

"What's the matter with you?" Remus knelt down next to Sirius and put his hand on Sirius' knee, he blushed redder still.

"You're blushing" Remus frowned trying to search Sirius' eyes for answers

"Who am I?"

"You're Sirius Black, the puller"

"I'm not Remus…" Sirius tried to stop his emotions getting the better of him

"Sirius, you aren't yourself, as I asked before, what is the matter?" Remus could see right through him and that worried Sirius "You know?" he made a few books fly off the table as his hand whipped around along with his head

"How you feel towards boys? Yeah I do"

"That's not everything' Sirius put his hand under Remus' chin and pulled his head gently towards him 'I love you, Remus, not just boys, you" Sirius brushed his lips against Remus' but Remus pulled away taking his hand off Sirius' knee.

"You're confused mate, alright? You are just confused"


	2. heart to heart

Sirius was lying on his back in bed, all he could hear was Peter snoring loudly. James was still in the common room (as far as Sirius knew). Remus was nowhere in sight. He wanted to make Remus see that Sirius was not confused.

The dorm room door opened and then closed "Sirius, Sirius are you awake?" a female voice came from behind him, he felt a weight on his bed as she sat down near his chest "Not now, baby" Sirius could not remember the girls name and had forgotten when he had ever shown her to his room

"Tomorrow?" she pushed his black hair out of his face

"Maybe" Sirius gave her a 'Sirius grin' so she brushed her lips against his and left.

Sirius closed his eyes and did not realise that strong arms were pulling him up to a sitting position "Wha… what?" he asked wearily

"Get up Sirius" he vaguely heard Remus' voice

"It's too early Remus"

"You've already missed your first lesson"

"I've what? Oh ha, ha very funny, Remus, it's Saturday you mother fucker." Remus smiled and laughed

"Well we did think it was funny, but it was James' idea, so don't blame me!"

"I won't; James just you wait until I get up and, erm…" he suddenly realised that it was only him and Remus in the room.

"The others are in the common room, James is eyeing up Lily again" Sirius rolled his eyes

"I'll get up then as you cannot amuse yourselves for five minutes" Remus helped him out of bed, he was acting as if the day before had not happened.

"Remus?"

"Yeah?" Remus looked at Sirius put on a T-shirt and jeans (Sirius nearly always dressed in muggle clothing on the weekends) "I meant what I said yesterday, about how I feel towards you"

"Let's not talk about that now"

"Remus, I need to talk about it, James won't understand"

"How do you know? He might understand, he understood when I told him I was a werewolf, why is this any different?"

"Because this is my sexuality, maybe you're right maybe I'm just confused".

"Sirius, ok we can have a heart to heart as long as you don't try to seduce me again" Sirius nodded, sat down and patting the space next to him on the bed

"How long have you had feelings for boys?"

"Don't know, I've been questioning it since third year, when I kissed that boy" Remus nodded

"And since you fancied… me?"

"Last year, I was watching you… get, changed. I'm sorry" Remus shook his head

"It's ok Sirius"

"Thanks Remus, I needed to tell someone"

"I understand a bit more why you've been avoiding me for a while, so why was it third year exactly?"

"My dear old brother, he sent a letter to my parents and then they send me a howler"

Sirius was in the hall eating breakfast. A large flock of owls went through the window and landed in front of the appropriate person. A large black and white screech owl flew into the hall and headed to the Gryffindor table, it landed in front of Sirius almost knocking over the juice jug.

"Oh, dear hippogriffs" Sirius murmured

"What? Oh, a howler, open it, it will be worse if you don't" James went out to detach the red envelope. However, the owl screeched and pecked him hard "It's the Black's owl; I have to get it. It won't let anyone else" Sirius detached the envelope and opened it "Sirius Black' his mother's scream filled the hall and everyone immediately fell silent 'first you dishonour the family name and scrape it through the mud. Mingling with half breads and mudbloods and mudblood lovers, but now, you're gay! You are disgusting, if you think you are coming home for the summer think again you fucking little shit!" the howler disintegrated in his hands, the Slitherins howled with laughter. He stormed over to the Slitherin table and punched his younger brother in the mouth. He then stormed out the great hall in rage.

"I wasn't there Sirius, nobody mentioned it to me" Sirius put his head on Remus' shoulder, he felt Remus tense under him "Sorry" Sirius said as he moved away from Remus realising the uncomfort he was giving Remus.


	3. drunk

Christmas break was edging nearer, Sirius was staying at Hogwarts, so was Remus, but James and Peter were going home, James had offered for Sirius to go home with him but Sirius rejected the offer. A bit too quickly; he wanted to spend more time with Remus.

Remus understood how he felt, but Sirius had not plucked up the courage to make a move on Remus, not that that was a bad thing.

James was sitting in a corner of the common room his messy hair a bit tamer than normal. He and Peter were playing wizarding chess, well, it was more thrashing Peter at the game, rather than playing. Sirius was sitting in his favourite chair in front of the crackling fire; Remus was sitting in the chair next to Sirius.

The four Marauders, where the only occupants of the Gryffindor common room. It was late or early, it depended on how you looked at it; it was twelve-o-clock in the morning.

The fire sent a warm glow to Sirius' face, his hair had fallen haphazardly over his eyes, but he did not seem to care. He looked over to the mousy-haired boy, Sirius' breathing started to get ragged. He looked away quickly to try and get his breathing back to normal.

"Sirius?"

"Huh, yeah Remus?" Sirius realised the edge in his friend's voice

"Don't worry about it" Remus said this a bit too quickly

"Ok, accio, firewhisky" a goblet landed in Sirius' hand and he drank deeply

"Where'd you get that from Sirius" James left his chess game and went over to join Sirius "You want some James? Remus? Peter?"

"Hell, yeah"

"Alright, I might as well, I'll never hear the end of it if I don't" Remus murmured

"No you won't Remus, Peter? Peter?" Peter had disappeared. James and Sirius howled in laughter so Remus got the firewhisky.

They all ended up in drunken laughter and cheers. James went upstairs as he still had a bit off packing to do (although it was four days until he would be going home). "Remus, we are alone at last" Remus was out of his head and did not realise that Sirius was trying to seduce him.

Sirius went in front of his friend and put his hand on his knee. Remus looked up; he put his own hand on his. Sirius leaned over Remus and brushed his lips againsed Remus'.

His tongue slipped easily into the mousy-haired boy's mouth. In a mater of seconds Sirius had pulled his friend onto the floor in front of the fire that was no more than embers.

Both of their breathing got erratic and heavy. They both shifted to get closer to each other. It was different being on top of another boy. He took off Remus' shirt and ran his hands over the scars and muscle on Remus' chest.

Remus opened his eyes and fear struck him "What the fuck do you think you're doing, Sirius" and with tremendous force pushed Sirius off him

"I… I… I'm sorry" Sirius called as Remus made his way up to the boy's dormitories.

Sirius stared into the dying embers of the fire and realised what a big mistake Sirius had made.

He fell asleep on the floor of the common room in front of the fireplace not able to face the other Marauders. What the hell had he been thinking of?

The next day Sirius woke up to laughter in the common room "Yeah nice one Sirius, you might have been off your rocker last night, but sleeping on the common room floor, that's what I call funny"

"Fuck off, James" Sirius got up brushing his hand through his black hair.

"Screw you; you're the one lying on the Gryffindor common room floor. Merlin I'd like to know what would've happened if you were in Slitherin"

"I'd have ten times more respect being a Black" Sirius got up only to have to lean on James to steady himself.

"How much did you have to drink last night?" Peter's squeaky voice came from behind James "Erm. I don't know, I can't remember, oh talking about last night, where did you scarper to?"

"The dormitory, I don't like to be around when you're drunk"

"Understandable, where's Remus?"

"Up in our dormitory, he said he doesn't want to face you, he was pretty disgruntled when he went to bed last night"

"Oh, shit" Sirius vaguely remembered kissing Remus last night (it was the only thing he could remember).

"What's the matter with you?"

"You moron Sirius, why am I a moron? Why can't I think before I act? Or more, why don't I think before I snog" Sirius banged his head against James' shoulder

"You, what?" James managed through a fit of giggles

"James leave it"

"What your mother said in our third year was true? Fucking hell Sirius you could have told me mate" Sirius heard a sniff, Sirius looked to his left and saw a slim brunette that Sirius vaguely remembered as someone he had taken out on a date a couple of times "Oh, baby I'm sorry"

"No, don't, Sirius, you used me"

"Well, that is kind of what a player does" James butted in

"Shut up James, I do care for women, and anyway that is why I didn't fuck you"

"You're sick"

"No, I'm Sirius"

"Old joke mate, old joke" Sirius sneered at him

"Yeah, but it makes the first years laugh, right I'm going to talk to Remus, he's not good at keeping grudges"

"I wouldn't if I…" James could not carry on because Sirius had bounded up the stairs to the boy's dormitories.


	4. brothers

Sirius woke up in the hospital wing, he wretched over the side of the bed

Remus was sitting on his bed when Sirius came into the room; Remus gave him a murderous stare "What did I do yesterday?" Sirius asked weekly

"I think you know fully well" he shot

"I only remember kissing you"

"And fortunately I came to my senses before you did anything else"

"Remus, I was pissed" Remus got up and started punching every inch of Sirius he could reach.

"Remus, Remus please, I'm…" he fell unconscious

"Mate lay back" Sirius vaguely heard James' voice and felt him push Sirius back onto the bed

"I didn't realise Remus was so angry"

"I tried to warn you, but you didn't listen"

"It's my fault, I kissed him and I wanted more" Sirius looked away from James

"I don't care Sirius; you're still my best mate, gay or straight, it doesn't matter to me, you understand me?"

"Thanks' he said weekly 'I thought you would ditch me, disown me, just like my family, you're the only family I've got left".

"Aw, isn't this sweet, my brother has finally found a partner that he might not

cheat and lie to" James and Sirius both looked at the direction of the hospital wing door

"Fuck off, Black" James said, worried what Sirius might do

"I want to talk to my brother, alone" he added

"No, what ever you say, you say it in front of me; I'm not leaving you alone with Sirius"

"James, it's ok, he can't do a lot to me, and Regulus, I'm not your brother, remember, I've been disowned" James nodded but slipped Sirius' wand under the bed clothes. Sirius grabbed the front of James' robes and whispered in his ear

"Thanks, James, stay outside the hospital wing, I don't totally trust Regulus" James nodded and left to wait outside the door and listened to everything that was said.

"Siri, you know why I've been doing what I've been doing these passed few years?"

"Yeah because you're mummy's little prince, you have the crown Regulus, if you're going to rub it in my face, leave now"

"Siri, you're my brother and I'm trying to make a mends here and smug comments like that do not help, what I'm trying to say is I want my brother back, I hate being alone, I hate not having my big brother to guide me"

"I've never guided you Reg. never. I'm the outcast because I don't believe in the pure blood crap, it's a lode of shit, and you're the complete opposite of that, yeah, when we were younger, you looked up to me. I looked after you from father's rages, but as soon as you started, agreeing with what mother thought and said about me. You lost that brother, you may be my little brother, but only by blood, my brothers are the Marauders. They are the ones that care about me, they are the family I have, but you're not, you're no family of mine" it did pain Sirius slightly but it had to be said. He had to tell Regulus what Sirius meant to the family, he knew that the only reason Regulus was the way he was, was because he did not want to be the boy that was beaten up. He was not as strong as Sirius mentally as well as physically.

"Regulus, go, don't you have a class or something?"

"No, it's Sunday"

"A date?"

"No, but I get your message, I'll go, bye big brother"

"Go" he murmured dangerously, Regulus legged it out of the hospital wing.

Sirius let his breathing go heavy in anger. James came into the room but he did so edgily, "Are you going to bit my head off?"

"No mate, no I'm not, I know where my family are now and I know who my brothers are" James looked confused at this

"What do you mean? You're going back to the Black's?"

"No way, Merlin James, no I don't have a family like that, no, one of my brothers is standing right in front of me, one just knocked me out, and the other is a complete scaredy rat" James laughed so hard that he clutched his sides in pain while rolling on the floor.

Sirius looked at his friend cross between bemusement and worry "James what's so funny? That isn't funny" James suddenly fell silent and stood up

"Yeah, sorry, I'm just in an immature mood, sorry mate, but were you serious? We're your brothers?"

"To me you are, is that ok?"

"Yeah, sure it is it's not like you're Malfoy"

"True, so, when can I get out of here?"

"I don't know; you'll have to ask Poppy" as if right on cue the matron came into the hospital wing from her privet office.

"Well Mr. Black as you have finally woken up I need to check the regulars and then you are free to go"

"Brilliant! I was wondering when you would say that, I could kiss you"

"Erm, Sirius, you will not"

"Of course I won't, I'm not that much of a male slut" James laughed.

"Do your magic Poppy and let me leave".


	5. Remus' secret

Sirius pushed open the portrait hole of the fat lady and walked into the brightly lit common room with James at his heel.

"Do you know where Remus Lupin is?" Sirius asked a scared looking lanky first year boy that was sitting in one of Sirius and the Marauders' favourite chair by the fire

"I saw him going up to the boy's dormitories," he said getting out of the chair; he was usually turfed out of the chair so he thought it would be easier if he just got out.

"Thanks a lot" Sirius almost sprinted to the boy's dormitory stairs.

Sirius slowed as he descended the hard stone stairs and steadily walked up the boy's dormitory stairs still with James at his heels; James had also slowed to meet Sirius' pace other wise he would have tripped over Sirius and fell flat on his face.

Sirius paused at his dormitory door, too scared to move sensing Remus' presence on the other side of the door. James opened the door for him and pushed him in the small of the back to get him moving.

"Remus?" Remus was not looking at Sirius or James; he was lying on his bed reading a book that looked like 'Hogwarts a History'

"Remus, please mate. I know how Sirius feels about you and I'm no idiot. I know you feel the same way; you're just scared that being a werewolf and gay would make us hate you, but that isn't true. Sirius told me something that hit home, we're brothers, we trust and care for each other, gay, straight, werewolf, dog, rat, stag it doesn't matter".

Remus closed the book and looked James straight in the eye, Sirius also looked at James. James was not the Marauder to talk about what the friendship meant, he, along with Sirius were the pranksters, not deep and meaningful.

'Is he serious about how Remus felt?' Sirius questioned himself in his head

"You've been reading my journal again, haven't you?"

"Might have" Sirius sat down and put his head in his hands shaking his head

"What? I'm confused"

"I do like you Sirius, but, what would people think, the puller and the werewolf?" he said honestly

"Who cares about what people think? Gay is normal" James murmured Sirius looked at him; James was always one to show off, care about his appearance, and care what other people thought.

"James, what are…?"

"No, he's right, who cares about what other people think, if we like each other, people will have to live with that" Remus got up after Sirius said this and sat next to him. Sirius slid his head onto Remus' shoulder.

He put his hand on Remus' thigh and stroked it "I'll leave you two alone for a while" they heard the dormitory door close as James left the dormitory.

"Remus?" Sirius asked lifting his head slightly off Remus' shoulder

"Hmm?" he pulled Sirius' head back on his shoulder

"Will you go out with me?" Remus pulled Sirius' face from his shoulder so it was facing his; he kissed his jaw then the groove in his neck

"Is that an answer?" Sirius smiled and leaned forward to kiss his boyfriend as their lips touched Sirius' hand went up to his mousy-coloured-hair.

As Sirius' tongue slipped into his mouth, Remus pulled away "I'm still new to this, Sirius" Sirius nodded and kissed Remus' forehead.

"Two days and we can do this wherever we want; the other Marauders aren't here" Remus lay down on Sirius' bed that had been freshly made with clean scarlet and gold sheets.

Sirius lay next to him, he ran a hand down Remus' chest as he got closer to Remus' genitals he started to tense. Sirius got to Remus' belt then stopped realising his uncomfort.

"Sorry" Sirius quickly sat up, but Remus had other ideas. He pulled Sirius onto his back on the bed and sat on his waist to stop him going anywhere.

He placed one hand on either side of his head, "Look, Sirius. You need to push me into things, if I don't like what you do, I'll tell you, if I stay quiet, carry on, but I don't want you to touch me, not yet anyway".

Remus pushed the silky black hair out if Sirius' eyes and stared into the cold grey eyes in front of him, lust evident in the stare, and the pain that Remus knew was from what he had seen in the Black family.

Sirius nodded and leaned forward to kiss him, Remus did the same, their tongues started to fight as the kiss grew with more passion as the two boys started to realise how much they needed one another and how much love they felt in each others arms.

Five minutes later Remus got up off Sirius' bed, Sirius followed suite. "I need to go and do an essay; you can come down with me if you want"

"Why do you need to do an essay? We have no school for three weeks" Sirius looked at Remus quizzically

"I want to get my homework done so I'm not worrying about it and rushing on the last day, like you do" Remus kissed Sirius on the cheek and then left the common room.

Sirius followed down to the common room, Remus had settled down on the floor in front of the fire he had pulled the closest book to him and started to read it.

Sirius sat down on his favourite squashy chair in front of the fire and rested his feet on Remus' back "Siri. Fuck off" Remus said lightly

"No I won't" Remus sighed and moved from the floor to sit next to Sirius

"What do you want me to do" he had abandoned the book on the floor where he had been lying,

"I want to show people I love you" he whispered in Remus' ear

"No not yet".

"What's going on with you two?" Peter squeaked

"Nothing, Pete, nothing at all" he nodded

"No, Sirius, it isn't nothing, tell Pete your, 'situation'" James cut in

"Shut up James"

"No, I won't, Pete, their together now" Peter blinked, confused

"Who's together now?"

"Sirius and Remus"

"Oh ok, OH OK" Sirius got up but Remus pulled him back down

"You fucking prick James"

"I know, but he would realise in the end, we do share a dormitory"

"Suppose so, I'm going to bed, I might see you tomorrow" Sirius got up

"Oh no your not, Christmas party, you are not pulling out of it this year, we do it every year"

"I'm not getting the alcohol" James rolled his eyes; Sirius said that every year they had bought the Christmas alcohol.

"Accio Christmas alcohol, ornamentum sursum and victus in traba" Sirius laughed as everything they needed for the party came into the common room.


	6. passion

Everyone had a good time that night, Sirius danced with some girls from the Quiddich team, and when he and Remus were drunk enough, started kissing under mistletoe.

"If they wanted to keep their relationship a secret they're going the wrong way about it!" James yelled to Peter over the music

"Yeah, well" James vaguely heard Peter's answer because of the music, talking and whistling. There was whistling because of Sirius and Remus' 'presentation'. Sirius' hands were now travelling Remus' back and arse.

"I'm surprised Remus hasn't pushed Sirius away with what he's doing. I think we need to break them up" James raced over to his two fellow Marauders and pulled Sirius away from Remus who was looking dazed.

Sirius had been attempting to undo Remus' trousers. "Mate I think you need to go to bed"

"Uh? What?" Sirius looked at James as if he was an alien. James shook his head and helped his best mate up the stone steps to their dormitory.

"James, I'm not tired I don't need to go to bed I want to be with Remus, please James"

"He'll come to bed soon probably; I just had to break you to up because you'll regret what you did in the morning now go to sleep"

"Nope"

"Fine but if I were you I'd sleep the alcohol off"

"Ok, ok I'll try" James smiled.

The next morning Sirius was woken up by someone's warm breath on his face, and then warm lips tracing the groves of his neck. Sirius let out a moan as the lips hit the sensitive spot in between his neck and collar bone.

Sirius' eyes fluttered open, and he saw mousy-brown hair, he intertwined his fingers in the straggly hair, pulled the head backwards, and sunk his teeth into the collarbone of the boy's naked torso.

"Sirius" Remus smiled, Sirius let Remus' hair go but he pulled his head gently towards him and they kissed tenderly. "Love you and you're a pleasant sight to wake up to even with a hangover".

"I love you too, Siri. I love you too" Remus leaned into Sirius. Sirius rolled onto Remus so he was straddling the boy's waist, leaned down and he kissed him with more passion that Remus had ever felt.

Sirius broke the kiss only to run his mouth down from his jaw to his neck. Then he moved to the crisscrossing scars on Remus' chest, he travelled making a map with the scars by his mouth.

As Sirius moved further down, Remus dug his fingers in the long black hair and balled his fist, fear over reigning him, but knowing Sirius' need he tried not to stop Sirius' roaming mouth even though he had started to lower Remus' boxers to allow his mouth and tongue to roam further.

"Sirius, stop… I'm, not ready" Remus choked out. Sirius stopped

"Sorry' Sirius retreated to the other end of his bed, 'Sorry" he said again

"Siri. Don't apologise, you shouldn't be ale to read my mind when I want you to stop, don't apologise for something that comes naturally to you, you're used to getting that all the time, I'm not" Remus pulled Sirius closer to him. Remus leaned his body into Sirius' and kissed him hard.

Sirius broke off first to rest his head against Remus' shoulder breathing hard; eyes closed his hands on Remus' back.

Remus also had his eyes closed liking the un-sexual contact between them. "Sirius" Remus whispered

"Hmm?"

"We need to get dressed, the other two are leaving in three hours" Sirius grudgingly pulled away from his 'lover'.

Sirius pulled open the hangings of his four-poster-bed and yelped in shock at the site of a boy on the other side of the hangings sitting on James' bed "Regulus Malcolm Black!" Regulus laughed at Sirius calling him by his full name.

"Hi big bro, I see you've settled with him then"

"How long have you been there?"

"Long enough to know that you were trying to do something Lupin didn't want you to do"

"Get out you fucking shit head!" Sirius screamed

"No! Mother wants you"

"I couldn't care let what she wants I'm no longer her son and I have nothing to do with her she knows that!"

"Fine, but don't blame me if you get a howler"

"That's fine by me, now out of my dorm and out of the Gryffindor tower" Regulus left and Sirius dropped his head into his hands.

"That little fucked up Black prince prick," Sirius murmured into his hands

"It's alright I just want to know how he got in here?" Remus murmured sitting right next to Sirius. Remus put his arm around Sirius' shoulders and pulled him closer.

Sirius rested his head on Remus' shoulder, a tear slid down his cheek, he did not know why but he allowed them to fall.

Remus saw that the boy he loved was crying, he had never seen him cry, it was the one thing he had not seen Sirius do; he had seen him fight, laugh, fuck, drink, argue, and flirt, but he had never seen Sirius cry.

Remus put his other arm around the boy and rocked him slightly, "I'm alright Remus, seriously" Sirius said gruffly

"You don't have to act hard around me Sirius"

"But we need to get ready" Remus nodded so Sirius got up and went to have a shower discarding his boxers as he went.

After the hot spray had soaked Sirius' hair and he had done his usual routine of shampoos and conditioners, he stepped out of the shower and shaved; he then towelled himself dry and then wrapped the towel around his waist.

Remus was already dressed; he smiled at Sirius as he came from the bathroom and chucked a pair of boxers at him "What was that for?" Sirius asked caching the boxers and realized they were stiff in places

"Have you been wanking in my bed?"

"Argh, there not mine; there Peter's, Argh" he said dropping the boxers into a bin Remus laughed, stood up then kissed Sirius biting his lip in the process.

Sirius' towel fell to the floor; he also fell to the floor with pleasure bringing Remus down with him, now Remus was sitting in Sirius' lap Sirius forcing his head down closer to his face.

"God Remus" Sirius said breathlessly

"Ahem" James cleared his throat from the doorway.


	7. Animagus telling people this is goin wel

James had walked into his dormitory to see Sirius sitting on the floor naked with a clothed Remus sitting on his lap, James cleared his throat.

Both the boys looked embarrassed and shocked "James" Sirius choked

"Cover yourself up Sirius, you could have waited until we had gone" James had fires burning in his eyes. With that said, James stormed out.

"Shit" Sirius threw on boxers, jeans and a T-shirt at brake neck speed then sprinted down the stone stairs leaving Remus to run after him.

"James" Sirius grabbed hold of James as he was about to leave the common room

"Sirius I have nothing left to say to you"

"Please James, we didn't know you would come in, we weren't doing anything wrong I had come out of the shower and my towel had been dislodged, can we talk about this like adults rather than irrational children"

"James we're together now, if that was Sirius and a girl you wouldn't be like this, you've walked in on Sirius having sex, so have I, why is this so different James, why?"

"Remus, it's just weird, it's confusing, I would expect to see Sirius fucking a girl up there, it's different, it will just take a while for me to get to grips with you two being an item" Sirius and Remus nodded.

Sirius let James go, knowing now he would not make a run for it. James turfed a first year out of one of the Marauder's chairs and sat down; Sirius did the same to the first year's friend.

Remus on the other hand sat on the arm of Sirius' chair not wanting to turf a first year out of a chair (he had never approved of the others doing it). Sirius on the other hand pulled Remus so he was lying down across Sirius' lap.

"Oh, James it's you're lover" Sirius said in a mocking tone as Lily walked through the portrait whole.

"Hey, Lily, baby over here" James yelled, Lily gave James a disgusted look and then she looked at Remus draped over Sirius in puzzlement, James noticed Lily and her friends staring at Sirius and Remus.

"Have you got a problem with Sirius and Remus?"

"Leave it James" Sirius hissed

"No, why should I?"

"No, I haven't got a problem with them Potter, we're just curios as to why the puller has Remus sitting on him like they're together"

"Don't say a word James Potter" Sirius hissed in a venomous tone

"Why, are you ashamed you're together, ashamed you're GAY?" James yelled the last word, which made Sirius jump up, knocking Remus to the floor, then pounced on James, and punched him in the stomach winding him.

"Sirius, no" Remus dragged Sirius off James

"Sirius, you don't have to fly off the handle at Potter, is it true though?" Sirius rested his head on Remus' shoulder before Remus answered

"Yeah, we're together, Sirius isn't too found of going public yet"

"Sirius, it's ok" Lily said before her and her two best friends disappeared up to the girls dormitories.

"She's right Siri, she's right" Sirius collapsed into the chair Remus resumed his place laying on Sirius. Sirius buried his head into Remus' stomach.

He stroked Sirius' black hair "J-James, R-Remus, S-Sirius, I've got it, I've found it" Peter had ran into the common room holding a large book that looked very heavy and looked like it was from the restricted section of the library.

"Peter, what are you on about?" Sirius murmured into Remus' stomach

"Not here, up stairs" So the other three Marauders got up and went up the stone steps to their dormitory.

Peter dropped the book onto James' bed, which was the closest to the door and opened it to a marked page

Animagus

Animagus is to become an animal, it is very complex magic and can be dangerous in doing so, and there are hundreds of listed Animagus in the magical world.

Then the boys read the potion to become an Animagus and the spell to find out the correct form.

The book was right it would take ages and a lot of hard work to complete the transformation, some of the ingredients took ten weeks to stew; the potion would take at least four months to make.

"Blimey, well we have found out something other than how to become animagi, Peter here has a brain" Sirius said prodding the small boy's head.

Sirius and James started laughing at Peter's face of confusment. Remus kissed Sirius to shut him up which also shut James up "Sorry Remus" Sirius said ones Remus had pulled away

"That's ok; just don't take the piss, just because you're one of the top students"

"I know, I know, don't give me a lecture"

"Well stop being so immature"

"Ok, sorry".

"If we don't start over Christmas, this will take longer"

"Me and Remus will do it, won't we? or at least start the stewing stuff, we could nick the ingredients from Slughorn"

"No, 'you' will nick the ingredients from Slughorn, there is no 'we' in that Sirius"

"Ok, ok" Sirius put his hands up in mock surrender

"Ok and we can get some of these ingredients that don't need to stew or we can't get them here" the other three nodded at James.

They scanned the list checking what needed to be stewed, for how long and what they could not get at school.

James wrote down what he had to get over the holiday, and then split the parchment in half and gave one-half to Peter. He folded his half and tucked it in his robes. "So you'll get that and, I'll get that" Sirius said waving his arm in the air

"Sirius, what are you on about?"

"I don't know, I've gone mad"

"Sirius, you are mad" Sirius started tickling Remus to his utmost disgust "Sirius, stop, I, can't, breathe"

"Yeah you can, you're talking" Sirius said through laughter Remus flipped Sirius off him and off the bed "You bastered Remus" Sirius said picking himself up from the floor and brushing himself down.

"Erm, who's the bastered?" Remus asked

"But I'm sexy?" Sirius gave him a puppy eyed look, James rolled his eyes

"Yeah suppose" Remus said exasperated. Sirius smiled widely.

Sirius got back on the bed.

The four boys looked at the book again, "Well boys, we have finely found it, yes this will take a while, but it will be worth it, am I right?" James said scanning the double page a couple of times

"Yeah, defiantly, we'll be able to join our werewolf buddy here and have some fun" Sirius said putting his arm around Remus' shoulders and pulling him towards him slightly.


	8. not ready and i know it

Chapter 8

It was time for James and Peter to go home for Christmas. Nearly all of the Gryffindors were going home for Christmas. They found out that only Sirius, Remus, Lily and a boy from third year called Stuart Mcraid were staying over Christmas.

This meant that Sirius and Remus would have the common room mostly to themselves for three weeks.

Like some other students, Sirius and Remus went down to the entrance hall to say goodbye to their friends. Sirius shook James' hand and then gave him a 'manly' hug but he ignored Peter.

"See ya mate, I promise I'll do that stewing"

"Ok, I'll get all those ingredients and I'll get some of the stuff that Peter's meant to get, I wrote it down twice" Sirius laughed

"Yeah you do that"

"Don't shag too much ok?"

"You joker"

"Yeah well, see ya then" Sirius nodded and then turned to go back upstairs when someone called his name.

"Mr Black could you step into my office please"

"Yeah" Professor McGonagall was the one that had called him; Sirius grabbed Remus and kissed him

"See you in the common room".

Sirius followed the Professor to her office and closed the door behind him "Sit down, Mr Black. Ginger nut?" Sirius sat as instructed but declined the offer as usual.

"I believe you and Mr Lupin have been seen together?"

"So what?"

"Well, I would like to know why your mother has been sending threatening owls to me and professor Dumbledore"

"I don't know, why don't you ask Mrs Black?"

"We have, she just sends even worst owls, and they are all about you"

"Blame saint Regulus"

"Why?"

"He was in my dorm, he was hiding, me and… Remus were… making… out"

"Oh, so he obviously owled your mother and told her what you were doing"

"I don't know I don't talk to her, why don't you ask Saint Regulus"

"I will talk to your brother, and I understand that you do not have contact with your mother or father"

"Can I go back to my common room now?"

"Yes you may, also, I would like to know why your grades in transfiguration have dropped, I would have expected you to get an O in your OWLs but I'm not sure with your grades at the moment you could get that"

"I will try harder, I've been a bit distracted at the moment, after Christmas, I'll be ok"

"Good" Sirius got up and left the office.

Sirius got back to the common room to see Remus lay in front of the fire writing an essay, he had already written what looked like five feet of miniscule writing. Sirius watched Remus for a while; he looked at a book and wrote another foot before Sirius made a noise to enounce his presence.

"Oh, hi" Remus smiled up from his parchment

"Who's the novel for?"

"It's my essay for Flitwick, shouldn't you be doing yours?"

"Errrrr… no" Remus shook his head in disbelief

"What did professor McGonagall want?"

"Why my so called mother has been threatening her and Dumbledore? Why my brother was in the Gryffindor tower? And why my grades have been failing?"

"And why have your grades been failing?"

"Trust you to pick that one"

"Well. How have your grades been falling?"

"I've been… distracted"

"What with?"

"My, feelings" Remus rolled his eyes

"Why?"

"Stop with the questions Remus"

"Fine" Sirius walked up to Remus and lay down next to him. He pushed the roll of parchment out of Remus' way and put his head where the parchment was, Remus smiled and leant down to kiss Sirius, and their lips collided, with a frenzy of passion and neediness.

Sirius put his hand to the back of Remus' head and pulled it closer to him. Remus opened his eyes to see Sirius' eyes closed, Sirius opened his eyes half way, pushed Remus slightly away to break the kiss and smiled.

The lust was evident in his eyes and was written all over his face "I love you"

"Siri, I love you too" Sirius smiled.

Remus stood up and pulled Sirius up with him.

"Come on" Remus lead Sirius up the stone steps to there dormitory. Remus pushed open the door and they both went in. Remus lay on his own bed, Sirius realised what he wanted to do, but knew it was not exactly what Sirius wanted, but it was good enough for his liking, knowing Remus was not ready.

Sirius lay down on his back next to Remus on his bed. Remus shifted onto his side so he could see Sirius clearly, he put his hand to Sirius' chest and travelled down. He stopped at Sirius' belt.

Remus started to undo the belt. Sirius looked down at Remus' hand fiddling with his belt "You, don't have to"

"I can read you like a book Siri, you need some kind of stimulation, doing it by yourself, doesn't always work" Sirius allowed Remus' hand to slide into his boxers

"Remus" Sirius breathed

"I'm going to make this clear; I'm not ready for sex"

"I know, I know, and I respect that, and I am going to say, stop me when I'm making you feel uncomftable, or' Sirius pulled Remus' hand out from his boxers 'you're doing something for me that you don't want to do" Sirius kissed Remus.

Sirius put Remus' hand on his chest and Sirius put his own hand on Remus' ass. Sirius shifted so he was also on his side facing Remus "But…"

"I mean it Remus; if you're doing something I know you're not comftable with, I will stop you, even if I'm desperate, your needs come first"

"Sirius… I don't know what to say"

"Tell me you won't do something you're uncomftable with"

"I… ok, ok, I promise" Sirius smiled and moved onto his back.

Remus rested his head against Sirius' chest


	9. father, accept it

Chapter 9

It was Christmas Eve. Sirius and Remus were sitting in front of the Gryffindor common room fire; they were the only occupants of the tower. They heard a pecking on the window.

Sirius looked around to the window and saw a black tawny owl, he went to open the window and the bird flew into the common room and landed on the back of one of the chairs. It stuck its leg out to Remus.

Remus untied the scroll of parchment and opened it "It's from Dumbledore"

"What he say?"

"He wants both of us to come down to his office"

"Should we go?"

"Yeah, we should" the owl had already taken off out the window.

The two made their way to the stone gargoyle "liquorish wands" Sirius said off headedly, Remus frowned at how Sirius knew the password, but then remembered that Sirius had been in the office more times in the year then most people had in there whole school career.

The two descended the spiral staircase quickly, Sirius in front. Remus had been here a few times, but liked to stay away if possible, the headmaster might have given him a place at the school, but Dumbledore did sometimes freak him out, of how nice he could be.

Sirius knocked on the door four times and it swung open, Dumbledore was seated behind his desk, and three chairs, Dumbledore smiled at the two boys and pointed to the chairs. Sirius looked to the other chair and there sat, his father, Sirius immediately went to the chair furthest away from him.

"Professor, why is my so called father here?" Sirius' voice shook slightly but it was barely noticeable,

"He is here on my request; we would like to sort this out"

"Why do you need Remus then?"

"Because I believe he is the reason why all this has happened"

"So what? We are together"

"My son is not gay, tell him Dumbledore"

"You cannot tell me my sexuality, father, it is for me to decide whether or not I am gay, I love Remus"

"You're disgusting, he is a half blood"

"Who cares about fucking blood, he's Remus, he's sweet, caring, what more do I bloody want?"

"Him to be a girl"

"I don't care, I have fallen for HIM, I love him, I do"

"You fucked him yet?"

"NO! We are taking it slowly, and it is none of your fucking business" Remus had put his hand over the top of Sirius' Mr Black had gripped the arms of his chair hard at the sight of it.

"Look, I don't want Remus to be here, it's not a good idea"

"Yeah there's a funny smell in here" Sirius stood up, wand drawn. Remus grabbed Sirius' hand to pull him back down, but Sirius wrenched his hand from his grip.

"Please, Siri, don't"

"Go on hit me with your worst" Sirius hit him with a multiple of non-verbal hexes and jinxes. Mr Black ended up cowering on the floor, with a big spot, yellow puss oozing out. His eye was swollen, his lip was bleeding, his face was white and his ears had grown the size of an elephant's.

Sirius laughed "Satisfy you, father?"

"You, little shit" he spat

"Well you wanted my worst and that was… well lets just say I can do far better, but I decided I can do that at Grimuld" just then a large man with mousy coloured hair, green eyes and broad shoulders had knocked on the door and stepped into the office.

"Dad? What are you doing here?"

"Hello, Remus, I got a letter from a certain Mr Black, he was asking why my son was going out with Sirius, and I would like to know the answer"

"I'm gay, if you really wanted to know"

"Remus what are you on about?"

"I am going out with Sirius; I love Sirius, that's that"

"You love a Black!" it was not a question, it was a statement, both Remus and Sirius knew it. "Yeah, I love him dad, who cares what family he is from" Remus said calmly and softly.

"Yes Remus, it matters!"

"It doesn't what matters is he respects my wishes acts like a gentleman and makes sure he does not push the boundaries, he acts how he should, at least he does not force me into things I do not want to"

"REMUS JOHN LUPIN. STOP TALKING ABOUT A BLACK LIKE THEY ARE SAINTS!"

"Excuse me Lupin! You are talking about my family as if we are scum. I do not see you having a house elf at your side. I do not see you supporting a witch for a wife, and I do not see a son in front of me that is of pure quality"

"Do not talk about my son as if he is a cauldron that has a whole in it!"

"I shall talk about a half blood how ever I want!" Mr Black did not look very threatening; he still had his elephant size ears.

"Father, I would stop if I were you" Sirius tried to get the laughter out of his voice and the smile off his face

"Why should I?"

"Because you look ridiculous, you still have bloody elephant ears, threatening does not work and I'm not reversing it until you say you'll accept I'm with Remus and accept that I am old enough to make the right decision"

"But you are not and I will never accept you're one with a boy and two you're with a Lupin, a half blood at that"

"Most of your mates are half blood!"

"My what?"

"Friends"

"Hmm".

"Professor, can we go back to our common room please?"

"I see no…"

"No you can not just walk away from this Remus; I am not having my son going out with a Black, a male Black at that"

"I'm gay dad, so what? I love Sirius, he's a Black so what!?"

"Remus, you are a respectable young man, this boy will lead you into danger"

"I've been best mates with him since the beginning of first year"

"Yeah, he had a bad affect while you were just friends, now you're going out I dread to think what he'll lead you into"

"My son will not lead him into danger, it would be that Potter boy, James Potter, he has had a bad affect on Sirius, that and all these Gryffindors he's hanging around with".

"Why can't we all just accept these two bright respectful students are going out?" Dumbledore had stood up with a faint smile on his face.

"The headmasters right, I suppose, we cannot stop our sons from seeing each other"

"Well I can, I have a place at Durmstrang Sirius; you shall attend school there"

"NO I FUCKING WELL WON'T! I'M SIXTEEN YOU CAN'T TELL ME I'M NOT YOUR SON AND THEN BOSS ME AROUND; IT DOES NOT WORK!" Sirius roared

"DO NOT SHOUT AT ME!"

"I WILL AND YOU CAN'T STOP ME, I HATE THE WAY YOU THINK YOU CAN RUN MY LIFE AFTER YOU PRACTICALLY DISOWN ME!"

"I haven't disowned you, but if you keep seeing this bastard, you might end up it, or you'll go to Durmstrang; finish your education in a place that believes in our ways" with that Mr Black stormed out of the headmasters office.

"Well that went well" Sirius said dropping into a chair head in his hands. Remus went over to Sirius and rubbed his back.

"I have no where to go" Sirius' voice filled with fear

"Hey, hey, you haven't been disowned yet"

"I might as well have"

"Well…" Remus looked at his dad for help

"You can come and stay with us when ever you want Sirius"

"You don't have to" he murmured in his hands

"Yes, Sirius, we do' Remus leaned down so his lips were next to Sirius' ear 'I love you Sirius, you can come over when ever, I promise"

"Thanks"


	10. merry christmas

**Chapter 10**

Sirius was in bed. He pulled the covers up over his head to keep the light from penetrating his eyes and the cold December weather. Therefore, the cold did not affect his peaceful sleep.

"Come on Sirius; it's Christmas, and you're STILL in bed"

"Your point is?" Sirius said while Remus was trying to wrench the covers off him and Sirius was trying to pull the covers back over his head.

"My point is that you have presents to open, and I want to give my lover a Christmas kiss," Sirius groaned

"But I want to sleep"

"Ok, Ok, I suppose I'll just have to… tickle you" Remus jumped on top of Sirius and started to tickle him "Stop… please… ok… I'll…get… up" he said breathlessly

"Promise?" Remus said cocking his eyebrow slightly

"Yes" Remus got up off Sirius, but took the covers with him "REMUS!"

"It's the only way you'll get up"

"I told you I would"

"Well this way I know you won't laze in bed," Sirius growled rather much like a dog.

Sirius got up to have a hot shower, a very hot shower. However, before he went, he kissed Remus on the lips, but before Remus could get into it, Sirius pulled back, "After I've had a shower".

Sirius stepped out of the shower and wrapped a red towel around his waste. He walked back into the common room, "Remus, baby, can you grab my decent jeans please?" Remus laughed but did as his boyfriend had asked.

Remus gave Sirius his black jeans; Sirius had retrieved his black shirt from his trunk after emptying the whole of its content. "I'll go and get some eye liner" Sirius smiled gratefully as he pulled on a pair of blood red boxers.

As he started to button up his shirt Remus came in with an eyeliner pencil. Sirius took the eyeliner gratefully and started to apply a thick layer underneath his eye and then on his top eyelid. He looked at himself in the mirror; the eyeliner framed his grey eyes perfectly.

"You look beautiful Siri." Sirius smiled. He turned around and kissed Remus on the lips.

"Ok, presents" Remus dragged Sirius down to the common room where there were presents under the tree. Sirius was taken aback by the sheer amount of presents under the tree.

"Yes Sirius, they're all for you" Remus said with a hint of laughter in his voice

"Are you serious Remus?"

"Yeah, they are all for you, I saw a couple of them are from your Uncle".

Sirius bounded to the tree, he picked up a present, checked the label. it said 'to my love, I hope you like this, Remus x' Sirius smiled then ripped the paper open, inside was 'an idiot's guide to pranking' Sirius threw his head back and laughed.

"So I'm an idiot now am I Remus?"

"Oh that, it's a joke" Sirius rolled his eyes. He reached for another present; this one was one of the smallest

'Sirius, I meant what I said when we met in Dumbledore's office, you will always be welcome in our home John Lupin' Sirius frowned slightly

"What's up?"

"It's from your dad"

"Open it" Sirius teased open the paper slowly, when the paper fell away, Sirius opened the small red stained wooden box. Inside were two keys a silver one and a brass one, on the lid of the box was a scrawled note 'the brass one is the back door key, and the silver one is the front door key of our home, our door is always open Sirius'.

"Sirius?"

"It's the keys to your house"

"Well dad was very serious when he said that you could stay at ours, he got the keys cut"

"Yeah" Sirius' voice shook slightly but he soon waved it away.

He opened three more presents, one from James, one from Peter and another one from Remus "You should not have gotten me this much," the last present from Remus was his favourite Honey Dukes strawberry filled chocolates (it was the biggest box you could buy).

"You're worth it"

"But I only got you one thing, I feel really guilty now"

"No need, love, it's the thought and I had to give you that book, it was a laugh, stop feeling guilty" there were three more presents, but Sirius did not want to open them until later.

"I'm going down to the kitchens, see what I can scrounge, I'm hungry," Sirius said getting up; he left the common room and went down the kitchens.

"Sirius, Black sir, thinking of a party sir?"

"No Monty, I wasn't awake and I missed breakfast, you couldn't get me something could you?"

"Yes, of course Sirius Black, of course!" the elf shrieked.

The elf clicked her fingers, a cooked breakfast appeared in a dish with a lid, and two butterbear bottles appeared "Would you like any fire whisky sir?"

"If you could be a star" the elf clicked her fingers again and a bottle of fire whiskey appeared. Sirius shrunk the food, cutlery and drink so he could put it in his robes pockets.

Sirius clambered threw the portrait hole. He pulled out the food, sat down next to Remus infront of the fire and tapped them with his wand; they became normal size in an instant.

"Butterbear, Remus? Firewhiskey?"

"Butterbear will do" Sirius opened the bottle and handed it to Remus, while Sirius started to eat the cooked breakfast.

He licked his lips ones he had finished; he had finished his butterbear and he started on the firewhiskey. "You'll get drunk"

"What if I do?"

"We won't be sleeping in the same bed tonight" Sirius quickly lowered the bottle from his lips. Remus laughed softly.

"Ok, you've got three more presents and I want you to open them" Sirius laughed then reached over for another present, it was from the three other Marauders (it was a tradition that they got together and just shoved any sweets they could get their hands on in a box.

This year Sirius had. Berty Bots every flavour beans, five chocolate frogs, four caldron cakes, fizzing whisbeys, a honey web, three long lasting sugar quills and some dragon eggs.

then there was a present from Mr and Mrs Potter and one unknown, he opened the unknown one cautiously, it was a new beaters bat, it had a leather handle with his initials engraved. In neat familiar writing, it said 'this is for you; you are an amazing beater, your bat got smashed; this is unbreakable'

"Remus, this your writing, I told you not to get me a lot"

"Your worth it, Siri." Sirius got up and leant over Remus, he kissed him softly.

Remus' hand went up to the black soft hair; he balled his fist and pulled Sirius closer. Sirius sat down and straddled Remus' legs as he deepened the kiss. Sirius ran his soft pink tongue across the other boy's lips, after he pleaded for a while; Remus parted his lips slightly to allow the other boy's roaming tongue to taste him.

After five minutes, Sirius rested his forehead against Remus'. Sirius' breathing had become slightly erratic, but he controlled it easily. "Merry Christmas Remus"


	11. peaceful

_**Chapter 11**_

Sirius lay next to Remus on his own bed, Remus had his hand on Sirius' stomach, but his little finger had disappeared slightly under Sirius' trousers.

It was still Christmas; they had just had an enormous Christmas dinner and had eaten enough so they felt they had eaten enough food for the rest of the week. Remus lay on his side looking at Sirius; Sirius' fingers were entwined in Remus' hair.

They had not moved for ten minutes, a record for Sirius who usually fidgeted and could not sit still. Sirius was transfixed by Remus' hazel eyes. "You're eyes are gorgeous" Remus smiled. He slipped all of his hand into Sirius' trousers. Sirius moaned slightly at the touch.

He allowed Remus to do it; he did not stop him this time. It was weird; he had just got used to no sexual contact, he had just got used to normal kissing, normal embrace; but now, Remus was touching him, Sirius moaned a bit louder as Remus started to move faster.

"Oh dear Merlin' Sirius moaned, Remus smiled, mischief glinting in his eyes 'fuck Remus" Sirius moaned even louder, Remus smiled wider still, the mischievous look had been replaced by a lustful one.

"Remus?' Remus bit his lip knowing what Sirius was asking for 'sorry" Sirius quickly got up off the bed, he was about to leave the dormitory when Remus called quietly.

"Siri, don't leave"

"Remus, I'm making you uncomfortable, again, I know I am, I'm asking too much of you, I'm sorry" Remus walked up to Sirius and kissed him softly at first then made it harder than Sirius had ever felt with Remus.

Remus pushed Sirius back so he was trapped against the wall. Sirius moaned slightly in the kiss.

"Remus…" but Sirius could not carry on as Remus had started to undo his jeans

"You were saying?" Remus pulled down Sirius' trousers and kneeled down infront of him "Dear sweat Merlin" Remus chuckled and took Sirius in his mouth.

Remus felt Sirius squirt in his mouth so he got to his feet gazing into Sirius' eyes that had glazed over in pleasure "Did you like that?" Sirius swallowed in answer, he was not controlling his erratic breathing, he was letting himself pant.

Remus could tell he was about to buckle at the knees if he let go of the wall, which he was clinging to, as if his life depended on it.

Remus pushed him gently onto his bed where he just lay there, his trousers and boxers still round his ankles.

"Remus, you shouldn't have done that" Sirius was shocked, Remus had just done something sexual, that meant more than just wanking.

"You needed it, Siri. I mean it, I know, you have been struggling, you have only got used to it because you think I won't be ready for a while, I want to make you happy Siri, and if that means having sex with you, I will"

"I can't ask you to do that, it's up to YOU when you have sex, not me"

"I want to"

"No, you're not, I know you're not, I don't want you doing anything until you're one hundred percent certain it's what you want" Remus pulled up Sirius' trousers and then lay on top of him and kissed him with as much passion as he had done a few minutes before.

Remus pulled away slightly for breath "I want to Sirius, I'm sure, I really am" Remus said in a slightly higher voice than normal, he was also breathless. Remus got off Sirius.

"Babe, this will probably hurt" Sirius getting the hint that Remus wanted him to take control.

Remus nodded in understanding and had a trusting look on his face; he trusted Sirius and he knew Sirius said this to some of the girls that had lost there virginity to him. However, he was saying this with concern in his eyes, he had lust in his eyes and voice, he also had, fear?

Was Sirius scared of what he was about to do? Or was he scared of hurting Remus? Remus sat up and kissed Sirius in what he hoped was a comforting way. It worked Sirius smiled at Remus.

He undid Remus' trousers slowly "If you want me to stop at anytime, tell me, and if you don't want me to carry on, tell me" Sirius waited for Remus to tell him his decision.

Remus nodded and took off his T-shirt allowing Sirius to see his 'ugly' scars; Sirius did the same, and then took off his trousers and boxers. He then took off Remus' trousers and boxers, seeing Remus' erection made him moan ever so slightly.

"Are you sure about this Remus?"

"Yes" Sirius lay on top of Remus and kissed down his body, Sirius stopped when he got to Remus' stomach and looked up waiting for his permission to carry on. Remus gave him a slight nod of the head, so Sirius went even further down and took Remus in his mouth.

A gasp escaped Remus' mouth then a moan.

Sirius stopped then pushed Remus gently onto his front and thrust gently into Remus, Remus gasped then moaned in pain, Sirius started to move gently in and out of Remus making sure not to go too far in.

Sirius started to get slightly faster when Remus moaned in pleasure. They kept going, Remus' moans getting louder as Sirius got more confident, he was getting used to being in the boy he loved.

As Sirius was reaching his climax he joined in with moaning, he started to whisper repeatedly "Remus, oh Remus".

"Holy shit Remus!" he gasped as he got to his climax.

Sirius collapsed on top of Remus, sweat trickling down both the boys' bodies. Remus was shaking slightly. "Are you ok?" Sirius murmured in Remus' ear

"Yeah, I'm fine, that was just weird and a bit painful" Sirius nodded moving off Remus to the side of him so Remus could turn on his side and face him

"Sorry, I tried to be as gentle as possible"

Remus smiled, he kissed Sirius gently and then burrowed himself into Sirius' chest.

"Good night, love" Sirius muttered gruffly

"Good night Siri. I love you"

"I love you to" he muttered as his eyelids got heavy and blackness filled him.


	12. we need to stew things baby

We need to stew things baby

Sirius stretched out the length of his bed he felt someone next to him. Sirius opened his eyes slightly; he looked down and saw a mop of mousy coloured hair. Sirius smiled at remembering the two boys' activities the night before.

Sirius snuggled further down the bed taking in the boy's scent; it was intoxicating. He smelt himself as well as sweat and the boy's normal scent. Sirius groaned slightly seeing the low sun; it was blinding.

"Remy, baby, we need to get up"

"No, we don't, we don't have school so we don't have to get up"

"We need to stew things baby"

"Damn it! I forgot about that, James will kill us!" Sirius chuckled as his boyfriend sat bolt upright but then grunted in pain

"Ah, yeah, you might be a bit sour"

"Yeah I guessed, ouch!" Sirius shuffled out of bed and into the bathroom.

"Want to take a shower with me Remy?" Remus giggled and got out of bed as well.

After going down to breakfast, Sirius stole the ingredients that they needed to stew for the potion (or as Sirius said that, he was 'borrowing' the ingredients).

Remus set up a cauldron in a secret room that they had found two years previous over a never-ending fire. While Sirius added the necessary ingredients into that cauldron and then set up another cauldron for the ingredients that could not be mixed, until the very end.

Sirius flung himself onto the squishy armchair infront of the fire and Remus made himself comfortable sitting on Sirius' lap. Lily came into the common room, it was the first time they had seen Lily apart from meal times, "Hey boys"

"Hello Lily, how are you?" Remus asked conversationally

"I'm ok thank you, are you?"

"Yeah, we are both great" Remus and Sirius never managed to talk to Lily as she could not stand the sight of James.

"I haven't seen you around the Gryffindor common room recently," Sirius said shifting Remus slightly so he was facing sideways on his lap

"I've been around school mainly in the library with a Ravenclaw girl that I met last year"

"Cool"

"So what have you boys been doing this Christmas?"

"Not a lot, just been doing homework really" Sirius giggled at how smoothly Remus could lie.

Remus cuffed him around the back of the head for being so immature. Then scolded himself remembering this was Sirius Black, one of the most immature boys in Hogwarts.

"Remy, that hurt" Sirius whined in a very un Sirius-like voice

"Hmm" Remus rested his head against Sirius' chest.

"I'll see you boys later," Lily said and disappeared up the girls' dormitory stairs.

Sirius had his hand on Remus' thigh, and was circling his first finger repeatedly. Remus found it comforting so did not stop Sirius and just closed his eyes to the movement, feeling at ease.

It was not long until it was pitch black outside and Remus was dozing, Sirius had his hand on Remus' upper thigh and had melted into the sofa.

"Baby, I think we should go to bed" Remus did not answer Sirius, Sirius shook him gently

"What? What is happening? I didn't do anything" Remus' eyes had shot open in fright at the awakening

"Baby, we should go to bed"

"Oh, right"

"We could just lye here if you want?"

"No, we should go to the dormitory"

"Ok" Sirius pushed Remus up gently so he was standing and then pulled himself up.

Sirius through himself onto his bed after discarding his shirt on the floor, Remus snuggled into Sirius' chest and closed his eyes breathing in his sweet scent.

Sirius' eyes drooped closed slightly but then a tap at the window came, Sirius groaned and moved Remus as not to disturb him.

Sirius got off the bad and opened the boys' dormitory window.

Sirius untied the parchment bound to the owls leg and opened it

Sirius

I hope you have started to stew those ingredients, I have found all the ingredients that I needed to and Peter's ingredients, I hope your Christmas has been ok, and I cannot wait to come back to Hogwarts

See you soon mate

James

Sirius smiled slightly and promised himself to write back in the morning.

He went back to bed next to his boyfriend, but sleep would not come. He tried for about an hour before he gave up trying to sleep. Sirius got up and started to write the reply letter to James.

Once he had finished he sat watching Remus sleep, he looked so peaceful 'why is he with me?' Sirius asked himself

'Maybe he loves you'

'But, why?'

'Why don't you ask him in the morning?'

'Why am I talking to myself?'

'It's called your sub conscious'  
'Ok' Sirius sat still watching his beautiful boyfriend sleep, he was so peaceful.

Sirius let out a sigh, and ran his hand through his raven hair, it was starting to get greasy; maybe he should go and wash it before it starts to look like Snivilus' hair.

Sirius got up and went into the bathroom, he then went through his routine of Shampoos and conditioners, only then did he step out of the shower, he grabbed his brush and slid it through.

Once he had finished, he went back into his dormitory to find Remus not in bed, Sirius checked the time and realised it was already six o clock, but Remus never got up that early.

Sirius went further into the dormitory only to be smashed into the wall and lips crashing down onto his, Sirius almost sighed with his boyfriends lips, only to realise, they were not Remus'.

"Get off me!" a brown haired girl was whom the lips belonged to; her name was Suzy

"Why? You're sexy, and you like me, I know you do"

"I'm gay, why would I like you?"

"Because you took my innocents"

"And I took a lot of girls innocents"

"But you took mine, which means you like me, which means you're going to fuck me again"

"NO, I've got a boyfriend, I love him, get it into your thick head!" Sirius pushed Suzy off him only to have her force herself upon him again, just then, Remus walked in, Sirius did not see Remus as he pushed the girl with all his force out of the boys' dormitory.

She was pushed into Remus and Remus stumbled down the stairs. "Remus!" Sirius cried as he pushed Suzy out of the way to see if his boyfriend was all right.

"Sirius I'm fine, what was that girl doing to you?"

"Trying to get me into bed"

"Oh" Remus did not look at Sirius

"I did not want her to do that, I don't feel anything for her Remus"

"I know"

"You believe me right?"

"Course"

"Remus, look at me" Remus kept his eyes down on the ground, he could smell the girl on him, he was angry, the wolf inside of him screamed at him to bite his lover, the girls scent was on HIS Sirius, HIS SIRIUS.

"Remus, you're angry, I know you are. I came out the bathroom and she just threw me against the wall. I had my eyes closed and I only realised that it was not you when I tasted her lips. That was when I opened my eyes and shoved her off me, she came back for more and that is when I pushed her out of the dormitory. I promise".

Remus looked at his boyfriend and saw the pleading in his eyes; he nodded and rested his head on Sirius' shoulder. "Why weren't you in bed?"

"I couldn't sleep; I watched you sleep for a while then went and had a shower to wash my hair, where were you?"

"I went to the common room to look for you; I thought that you'd be there"

"Oh, I love you, you know that?"

"Of course I know, I love you too".

Sirius got up and helped Remus to his own feet. They got back into the dormitory and Sirius sat down on the bed and so did Remus.

They both lay down and Remus snuggled into his lover, Sirius kissed Remus' forehead, his eyelids drooped down "Sirius, what do you want to do today?" however, Sirius was already asleep.


	13. why do you love me?

The Christmas holiday was nearly over, the rest of the students were going to be back at Hogwarts the next day.

Remus and Sirius were checking the stewing ingredients. They were stewing nicely. Remus had copied out each stage from the book that Peter had borrowed from the library; he had made two copies, one for the dormitory and the other for the secret room they were using for the potions. Sirius had also made a copy, which he kept on him just in case.

The potions had been stewing for almost three weeks, some of them had seven more weeks to go, some ingredients needed one more week in heat and then two months for standing, with just the room temperature.

"Remus?"

"Yeah, Sirius?" Remus looked up from the bubbling content on the cauldron

"What will happen?"

"What do you mean?"

"Ones we've done our OWLs, when we make our career choices" Sirius looked down at the ground

"What do you mean Siri?"

"Well, with you being a werewolf, me being a disowned Black?"

"We'll get jobs, ok? You have nothing to be worried about"

"Ok" Sirius did not know where the outburst had come from, but he just asked it, he still had not asked Remus why he loved him, or claimed to.

Remus was sitting in front of the fire, his back leaning against Sirius' legs, it was the last night him and Sirius would be alone together before the rest of the school got back.

"Remus?"

"Hmm" the dancing orange flames that lay, in the warm fire engrossed Remus

"Why do you love me?" Remus looked up at Sirius in surprise

"Why, not? You are kind, sweet, caring, and considerate, you don't care when people say a bad thing about you, you're loyal and not to mention, you are extremely sexy and hot"

"Really?"

"Yes, Sirius, you are" Remus stared into his now dim grey eyes, they had brightened ever so slightly after Remus had said what he had, but they were not nearly as brilliant as normal.

Remus stood up and clambered onto Sirius' lap, he ran his hand along his chest and realised how tense Sirius was.

"Move onto the floor babe, you're tense"

"What will moving onto the floor do?"

"Massage"

"What?" Sirius yelped

"I'm going to give you a massage, it might help"

"No, baby, please" Sirius pushed Remus off him gently and then moved to the other end of the common room.

"What's wrong?"

"The last time I had a massage, I ended up with a broken spine"

"Ouch. How?"

"My dad… I was lying on my stomach and my dad came into my room, he leaned over me, and started giving me a massage, he pressed really hard and in the end my spine could not take it and split, I was nine"

"Oh, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry I should not have suggested it, I'm really sorry Siri."

"Hey, you were not meant to know, I've never told anyone about that, I just remember how painful it was and how I was so scared every time my father came into my room"

"I'm sorry baby"

"Don't; say you're sorry, please"

"Ok, let's go to bed, we need to get some rest before James gets back"

"I agree, I bet James will have us bouncing around and then you will force us to start studying for OWLs"

"As if I would!" Remus said pretended to look offended, Sirius just chuckled

"Do you wanna keep something that is very useful and precious to you?" Remus ran up the boy's dormitory stairs so Sirius chased him up the stairs, caught him and then started to tickle him.

Both boys entered there dormitory laughing and Remus still trying to squirm away from Sirius' tickles. "Siri, please, stop" Remus cried breathlessly collapsing onto the bed; Sirius laughed and stopped tickling his boyfriend.

"You're an evil man Sirius Alphard Black," Remus said while shuffling up Sirius' bed so his head was on the soft pillows

"You do know that isn't actually my full name?"

"Isn't it?"

"No, I told people my middle name was Alphard because my uncle is like my father, and is more of a father than my actual father, so I said I had his name instead"

"So Mr. Black, what is your full name?"

"You can stick to the one I told you Remus John Lupin" Remus chuckled.

Sirius also shuffled up the bed so he was next to Remus, kicking off his shoes as he went. Sirius wrapped his arms around Remus' waist pulling him closer to him. The two boys fell into a peaceful sleep, wrapped in each other's warm embrace.

Sirius reluctantly opened his eyes to be blinded by bright sunlight; he groaned and buried his head in the crook of Remus' neck. "What's up Sirius, love?"

"Too, bright" Remus chuckled stroking Sirius' long black hair, it needed a wash but he did not care. Sirius was already lightly snoring on his shoulder; Remus rolled his eyes.

He gently moved Sirius off him, went in to the bathroom, filled up a large bucket of water, went back into the room and SPLASH threw it all over Sirius "WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING!" he spat jumping out of his bed "REMUS!" but Remus was on the floor in a fit of laughter.

"You should have seen your face! Where's a camera when you need it?"

"You little shit!"

"I try" Remus managed to stop his laughter and get up holding his stomach, but a very wet Sirius lunged at him and knocked him off his feet, "Hey, hey, you're wet, I don't want to be wet!"

"Tuff luck, you got me and my bed drenched and I am drenched, soaked in fact, I get my own back, Remus old friend".

Sirius got up off Remus, and reached for his wand, he dried himself, and then icy water sprouted from his wand and all over Remus "Siri… I'm... Sorry… that… is… cold"

"I told you, I'd get my own back," Sirius said smiling, an evil glint in his eyes.


	14. mistakes, detentions and doubt

Mistakes, detentions and doubt

The two boys were relaxing in the common room waiting for James to bound into the room.At around six o clock, the portrait flew open and there was James, a grin plastered on his face, every single tooth could be seen. 'This could only mean one thing' Sirius thought to himself "Who did you pull then?" Sirius asked once James and Peter had sat down next to them on their chairs."How did you know?" James' smile fell off his face to be replaced by a frown"Simple, when you grin like an idiot, it means you have pulled a girl, so I ask again, who have you pulled this time?""How did you know that?""James, I have known you for about five years now so shut up and tell me who you pulled?""My next door neighbour, that Jessica Walker, the really hot one""Oh, why did you jump in her pants, why not that girl opposite you, oh what's her name? Oh yeah that Olivia Caltern" James suddenly went quiet "James, what happened?" Remus asked, he was leaning against Sirius' chest"I… New Years… I got pissed… I… woke up in her… bed… naked" "Oh James mate, I'm sorry" James shook his head, his way of saying, 'don't say you're sorry, it's my fault'.Remus started to play with Sirius' fingers as the common room filled with laughing and gossiping students, they were all talking about how good their Christmas was. Some people gave the male couple a fleeting glance, and some looked at them and started to talk about them with their friends.Remus and Sirius did not care, Remus kept playing with his fingers and Sirius had taken up nuzzling Remus' neck making him giggle every so often. The giggling turned even more heads on its own. Sirius and Remus whispered to each other then told there other dorm mates they were off to bed, "We have a party after Christmas holiday, remember" James stated"Well I am in no mood for a party James""Fine, miss all the fun then, party pooper!" Remus sighed and Sirius just huffed as if he was angry, gave James a playful pout then grabbed Remus to drag him up the boys' dormitory stairs.Sirius lay with a silent sleeping Remus in his arms, he was breathing in the boy's sent. Remus stirred slightly but did not wake Sirius smiled at him, the warmth from Remus was soothing. He snuggled further down the bed and closed his eyes to fall into a peaceful dreamless sleep.Sirius felt himself being shaken gently, "Siri, you need to get up, we have to go to breakfast then lessons""Go away, I can't be arsed to get up" Sirius murmured into his pillow. Sirius felt a weight on his waist "Remus go…" but he was cut off feeling hot breath tickle his nose, he opened his eyes and saw Remus' lips hovering about a centimetre from his own"Are you going to get up?" he whispered "Kiss me and then you'll get the answer," Sirius whispered seductively, Remus closed the gap and kissed him with as much passion as he could so early in the morning. They broke away; Remus somehow had got underneath Sirius."Neither of us are getting up Remy" Remus was about to protest but got cut of by a strangled moan as Sirius kissed the sensitive spot on his neck. "Oh, Sirius…" Sirius smiled at the struggling boy underneath him. The next day the marauders had gone to their lessons, Sirius and James getting the normal detentions. Sirius got a detention with McGonagall for writing 'Remus, he's a slut, and all mine' on the black board, Remus at that time was on the floor in laughter and embarrassment.Another detention was with Dumbledore for charming a few first years on the ceiling in the pattern of Remus' name. Sirius was now obsessed with making it clear he was gay, and making it clear he loved Remus with everything, he owned. The whole talk of the school was now of the player being gay and Sirius did not care.Sirius and Remus were checking the potion to check it was all-ok and they had to take one ingredient off the heat to let it stand. After that, the two boys went to the common room to be greeted with silence apart from the crackling of the fire."Shall we get to bed?" Remus asked, but Sirius just sat down to watch the flames, Sirius always loved to watch the fire, Remus knew that. "You go, I'll be up later" Sirius smiled to the flames. Remus nodded then made his way up the boy's dorms. However, before he got there Sirius had called to him "Remus, you do know I love you""Yeah, Sirius, I do, and I love you to".Sirius looked back to the fire, knowing it was not right for him to love Remus, never will it be right, another man, maybe, but not his best friend that he trusted and never wanted to hurt. He knew if his parents got hold of Remus, he would be killed, no questions asked. The more and more he thought of Remus, the more and more he knew he should split it before it got too serious.The flames took Sirius to the place he liked, the tranquillity, but also it brought him to his doubt. The flames soothed him to sleep; he slept on the red sofa peacefully unaware of James in the corner.James had seen the mixture of guilt and sadness after he had told Remus that he loved him cross his face, he wondered what was going on in his closest friend's mind. Did he doubt his love for the werewolf? Was he planning to split up the work they had done? What was really going on? It hurt James to not know these things going on in his friends mind; the young Black was obviously confused.


	15. problems

Problems

Sirius did not bother going to bed, not able to face the sleeping beauty of Remus. He heard a noise in the corner of the room. It confused him at first but he ignored it thinking long and hard of what he should do."Sirius?" Sirius jumped at headring the voice he second most dreaded, it was James "Sirius what's the matter?" he strode over to his best friend rubbing his shoulders gently "It does not matter James" but his strangled voice said otherwise "Sirius, what's happening with you and Remus?" "He's gonna get hurt if my parents get hold of him""Sirius, they won't they have accepted you two together, they will not get to him and his dads on the ministry, nothing will happen babe" James realised what he had said too late"Why'd you call me babe?" Sirius twisted himself around his loosing the tranquillity in a second "I didn't mean to say that, I'm sorry Sirius, that wasn't meant to come out" both of their breathing had got ragged each could feel each other's hot breath on their faces. Their lips met in a fire of confusion, Sirius pushed James away nearly straight away "Don't James, you're not gay" "I don't know""You're in love with Lily" "Yeah, yeah, you're right, so with Remus, you just seem so guilty when you said you loved him""I was just having doubts, go to bed James" James turned around"Hey Remus" Sirius looked around seeing Remus looking hurt and confused"Sirius, what?""What do you mean?""Do you wanna split with me?""No Remus, I just thought maybe you'd get hurt""Why did you kiss James?" Remus sounded hurt"He kissed me and I pushed him away, my heart belongs to you""No, Sirius, it obviously doesn't, I can't be with you" Remus turned and walked up the stairs to the boys' dorm.Sirius ran up the stairs and caught him just before he opened the door, "You can't do this" tears streaked down his handsome face "Please Remus, don't split us up, please, please, please""I'm sorry Sirius, we're over" and Remus left Sirius standing there tears streaking down both of their cheeks, both as hurt as the other.Sirius went down to the common room and collapsed onto the sofa sobbing with his head in his hands, feeling for the first time, his heart breaking into little tiny pieces. He curled up in the corner trying to sleep, but he could not sleep, he had just lost his lover, he had just lost his world."Sirius, I'm so sorry mate" "Go away James I don't want to know!" he chocked out through his tears."I'm not leaving you like this""Go and see Remus! I don't want to know!" Sirius heard James going up the boys' steps. Sirius was now completely alone, and he felt that was how it should be, alone and miserable. That is all he deserved, he hated it but knew full well that was how it was going to be for a while until he could have his lover back.Sleep finely took him away, but he had a restless sleep, he awoke every half hour to an hour. Either way, asleep or awake, he thought of Remus, and how much he missed him.The next day Sirius went to the kitchens for breakfast, he could not face anyone. He went to classes and kept his head down, he could feel people looking at him, but he could not meet anybody's eyes, he looked at the 'Sirius for Remus' he had written only the day before, he scratched it out breaking his quill in the process.He skipped lunch going straight to the boys' dorm curling himself up, silent tears rolling down his cheeks. Nothing could make him feel worse than he did.He heard the door open and swing closed, he felt a weight at the end of his bed, but Sirius did not want to sit up or look to see who it was. "Sirius, I don't want us to be like this, I don't want you to be avoiding me" Sirius heard Remus murmur "Well it's easier than facing you knowing I can't have you anymore""I saw I kiss James and then saying you were doubting that we should be together, I was angry""So do you now want to be with me now you have calmed down?""No Sirius, I can't be with you at the moment, we need to be apart, but still be friends""I can't trust myself Remus, if I do something wrong, you would not forgive me" he felt the weight that was Remus leave and the door swinging shut again.Sirius got up and started to punch and rip apart anything he could; he ripped down his hangings punched the wood; he dismantled the four-poster using his shoulder, hands and feet. He used his wand to burn it, he blasted chunks out of the wall, dust going everywhere, he punched the glass of the window, repairing it then smashing it all over again, he set Remus' hangings on fire and he was just about to beat up the beside cabinet when James lunged at him stopping him doing anymore damage to himself and anything else around him.James extinguished the fires, and looked at Sirius bleeding on the floor sobbing and shaking. Peter came in the room as well staring at Sirius, shocked. "Peter, go and get Dumbledore, immediately!" James yelled at him.Five minutes later Dumbledore and McGonagall came into the room "Mister Black can you hear me" Dumbledore kneeled down in front of the sobbing boy Sirius nodded "Can you get up and follow me with help from Mister Potter?" Sirius nodded again. James helped Sirius stand and then supported him to the hospital wing where Dumbledore was leading them."Now mister Black, why did you demolish you and your friends' dormitory?" Dumbledore asked once Sirius had laid down.


	16. alone

Chapter 16

"Now mister Black, why did you demolish you and your friends' dormitory?" Dumbledore asked once Sirius had laid down.

"I don't know sir" he mumbled not looking at anyone, he did not know what he had actually done, it was all a blur "Sirius, there would be a reason why you took those actions" Dumbledore used his first name, he was serious "Sir, I don't know, I can just remember that I was angry, confused, heartbroken and I didn't wanna live; I don't want to live, I don't wanna be here"

"Sirius, I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, but just because the one you love does not want to be with you as a lover does not mean your life has ended" Sirius snorted

"I have no family, Remus has deserted me; I'm losing everyone"

"You have me Siri"

"Yeah I know James, but, you know what I mean right, I can't trust myself around Remus so I can't be friends with him, that means I can't hang around with you guys as Remus will be with you"

"Sirius, Remus will cool down and take you back"

"How do you know Potter?!? You don't know what Remus will do, Remus is better off without me, just like what Mr. Lupin said at first, I'm a bad influence on him, he's better off without me. It's not like anyone cares"

"Of course we care Siri, of course we do" Sirius just turned around in the bed so he neither had to look at the professor's sparkling blue eyes or his friends concerned face.

Sirius got out of the hospital wing later that day, he did not go to find his friends, nor did he attempt to face anybody, he just went into the bathroom, turned the water to scolding, striped his robes off then stepped into the spray, wincing at how hot it was, but not caring, he needed something to put his mind out or how he was feeling.

He stayed under the spray until somebody came in and said they needed a shower; he turned the spray off reached for a towel and wrapped it around his waist. He did not even look at the person that had interrupted him. Sirius got into the dorm chucked on some boxers a pair of jeans with holes in them and a t-shirt then left the dormitory.

Sirius stepped out of the entrance hall double doors feeling the cold weather hit his face, instantly cooling him. He felt at peace, he welcomed the dumbness of his fingers and how his wet hair almost froze in an instant, it felt good.

Sirius headed towards the forbidden forest, the darkness swallowing him up in an instant. He felt nothing as he could see almost nothing but the darkness, his mind went blank as well which he treasured. He got further into the forest until he reached a clearing where he sat down in the cove of a tree.

A centaur came around from behind the tree "You should not be in the forest human"

"Does it look like I care?"

"It is not safe"

"My life is not safe, so why should I care that I'm in this forest, if anything hurts me, all the better, nobody up at that bloody school cares" the centaur just left.

Sirius stayed where he was for a good few hours until a rustling reached his ears. In front of him popped up a small cross between a hamster and a dog. It was a quite little thing and Sirius seemed to remember it was called something like a shmivel or something like that. Sirius beckoned the small creature over to him. It scuttled towards him. The shmivel climbed onto his leg trying to get warmth from his body. Sirius scooped the animal up and put it on his chest trying to warm it up a bit more and feeling comfort in cuddling something so small and fluffy.

The shmivel soon fell asleep in Sirius' hands and Sirius started to dose off as well. The cold was getting to him but he no longer cared, he could die of hyperthermia and he would be a happy bunny. He slipped into a comforting sleep.

He awoke at dawn freezing; the shmivel was still in his arms asleep. He stood up still holding onto the shmivel, he had grown quite attached to the little creature. He walked out of the forest and went towards the womping willow, he pressed the not on the trunk with a long stick then went into the hole in between the roots.

He got to his feet after sliding down the mud slide. He went down the passage way until he got to the trap door. He went up the stairs to one of the bedrooms that Remus had not quite got to yet and crawled into the bed curling up. He started to cry feeling truly alone; even in this room he could smell Remus' beautiful scent.

The shmivel awoke and climbed up the bed a bit more licking Sirius' tears. Sirius ran a hand vaguely over the little animals head smiling at it weakly. He fell back asleep dreaming of nothing but darkness. Just maybe this was how his life should be like from now on, full of just blackness.

He awoke quickly after he had fallen asleep, knowing the way his life was he could not live it and decided something he must do. Luckily these jeans had just what he wanted in them. He wanted to inflict as much pain as he had inflicted on others.

A couple of cuts and blood was all over the bed pooling around him. It did not hurt as much as he wanted it to. So cut his stomach, he cut his arms; he made a slit that was dangerously close to his eye. He kept going until he was too weak to hold the knife. The knife fell from his grasp and he fell unconscious. His peace was fulfilled as his body shut down gradually.


End file.
